One of the hardest things to deal with is other people. Apart from being older and overweight, I look quite normal. Hidden disabilities? People just don’t get it. Anxiety and depression isn’t something you can see though, its hidden. Its in the dark spaces of your brain; its the early hours film in your head running through every little failing and embarrassing moment of your life, with appearances from all the people who said your marks weren’t high enough/you just weren’t smart enough/not good enough/ not pretty enough/ from the wrong class/had the wrong accent/came from the wrong place.
Then you reach morning and the film stops. You sigh with relief and tell yourself you are none of those things. You want to get up, get showered, dress nicely, doing all those things that you love, but suddenly you have two people inside your head.
ONE: GET UP! YOU CAN DO IT!
TWO: Why bother? I’ll just stay here and sleep.
ONE: NO! Get the fuck up! You stink. You haven’t showered in days. Come on!
TWO: Nah. I’m ok here. I’ll shower tomorrow.
ONE: Fucking typical. You do this everyday bloody day. Just get the fuck out of bed!
TWO: Later. I’ll get up later. OK? Honest I will. Just let me sleep a bit longer.
Eventually I need to pee, so drag myself out of bed to the bathroom. I sit on the loo and have another conversation about getting into the shower that stand a foot away from me. It takes half an hour of the two voices arguing. Sometimes I shower, sometimes I just climb back into bed.
When I am in the shower, the voices argue over brushing my teeth, then whether to get dressed or not, finding clean clothes….the list goes on and on and on.
Don’t get me going on food and eating. Ordering takeaway if I can be bothered is the way to go…apparently…maybe…not really.
These days I’m much better, and days like the ones above don’t come round often – but they still appear.
My family. Without them I would be a complete mess, whereas I’m only a bt of a mess most days. LOL!
Friends who understand or at least accept that there are times when I can’t answer the phone, text, emails, or talk to them.
Knowing I’m not alone. Although the majority of the online community are strangers to me, they understand because they suffer too.
What doesn’t help?
People who say these things:
- just pull yourself together
- smile, you’ll feel better
- snap out of it
- you need to get out more
- everyone gets a bit depressed
- try harder
- it can’t be that bad
- you’re just a bit sad
- you think you have it bad
- you were ok last week
- you don’t look depressed
- other people have problems too
- you need to get out of your headspace
This list is endless. Any attempt to explain usually flies straight over their heads. Once or twice I’ve told them that their shitty day when they feel bad, is NOT depression.
I HATE it when people who do not suffer from depression say, ‘I’m a bit depressed today’ and everyone is meant to feel sorry for them.
I love this explanation:
Depression is when you don’t really care about anything
Anxiety is when you care too much about everything.
Having both is hell.